Pondering

[themidnightgirl]

Something I've noticed (hey, Mr observant me) is that people seem to change when they get into a new relationship. Things such as taste in music, taste in films, people they want to be with seem to change almost overnight.

In some cases, with some people, it seems that the person you knew and were friends with no longer exists - is changed beyond all recognition.

I'm not thinking about anyone specific here, by the way, it's a general musing born of boredom.

But...am I imagining things? Does this actually happen? Is anyone aware of this chameleon effect happening to them? Why?

Comments

[crag-du.livejournal.com]

No, that does make sense, or at least it does to me, but that might not mean much...
Just bouncing round a few ideas about identity and such ATM, mostly from a personal PoV, or lack of one, will post stuff when I get a chance i.e. I get it into some kind of coherent form.

[winterthing.livejournal.com]

*ponders*

Yes - I have noticed this in some cases. I don't think it is universal, or necessarily permanent. The nice explanation that I've been given is that you get involved with someone, and you look for someone with a different perspective on the world, someone who can open your eyes to different ideas, and different experiences and help you grow and change.

The cynical viewpoint is that people get into a relationship with someone. They think that someone is great - and so everything they do is great. They get enthused by all these new things because they associate them with the beloved. Six months down the line the whole immediate rush is gone, and somehow cricket doesn't seem quite as exciting. Wrestling isn't cute - it really is just large men in spandex jumping on other large men in spandex, and film noire is, indeed, dull.

Long term - I guess relationships do change people, but then so do other things. New jobs, move away from home, new friends etc - those change people. I know that I have friends who would say I've been changed by the Camarilla. I know of other friends who've been changed by jobs - becoming more conventional and gaining new priorities. I think a part of this is just life. People's priorities do change, and who they are can change with that.

Hopefully there is some kind of flux effect which happens as well tho - and most of the dramatic New Relationship Energy change will fade a little as the pheromone levels go back to normal.

[kdrugan.livejournal.com]

So, after your time with Jason you listen to Ramstein then? :)

I'll be running away now, shall I ...

[winterthing.livejournal.com]

Jason is not a good enough lay to convince me that Rammstein are worth listening to! Give me Casanova and I might think about it...

[huuggs.livejournal.com]

yeah its true they do..
I have friends that because of what new relationship person says they are not allowed to roleplay or see friends that they have known since teenager years.
but then other peoples views and ideas do influence just the person you most care about is going to... Liam changed me, Some for the worse some for the better. I came into my new relationship as me for the first time in years. and i guess danny has changed me a bit. but i woffle and this is your lj so i will go away again now...

TTFN

[crocodilewings.livejournal.com]

(All just my own random conclusions on the subject, so feel free to think it's complete crap)

We are all continuously in a state of trying to define ourselves. What we see and hear in the world is taken in and we pick and choose what we encorporate into our personal makeup. Because all we have as a point of reference is what we've been before, these redefinitions we make ourselves are minute over a smaller timescale, as they're just pinned and propped onto the framework of "self" that already exists, and so any major change either takes a monumental leap of risk in redefinition, or a long, long time to develop into something recognisably and strikingly different.

People are catalysts to the definition of other people. It's not just relationships in Da Lurve Thang sense of the word that causes other people to change in this way, but any long-term consentual exchange between two people. The same effect can be achieved by the relationship between one person and another person they hate, as they perform drastic self-surgery to not be like the object of their dislike. it can also be seen in friendship groups, in the form of peer pressure and similar influences.

Other people make us perform much more drastic modifications to who we are than we would usually make off our own back, for various reasons. Think about it...do groups of friends who all have similar interests do so because they were like that when they met, or were there enough similarities to form an initial framework for the group in the beginning and then a subsequent moulding of all the individual participants into a more uniform interest-shape?

Some relationships just impact a lot more drastically than others.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

People adapt to new environments

[crocodilewings.livejournal.com]

Or they die. Doesn't Darwinism rock?

All sorts of reasons :)

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

I thought it was the dominant / submissive personality thing, similar to mirroring body language etc. The dominant one will keep their tastes, while the sub will try to make themselves more likeable / suitable / hey, aren't we similar until they're settled in the relationship. I know I have to make a huge effort to say "No, I think that's dreadful" when I'm trying to impress someone.

Then there's putting up with something that's ok, but not great, because it makes your partner happy, thinking something's pretty good until you stop to think about it, and (somewhere among the rest) genuinely being introduced to a new Good Thing, or growing into something.

[cryx]

you're not imagining things. This does happen, not to everyone, and in differing amounts. It can be very sad to see a friend morph into someone else, but other times friends get new passions which are cool. *shrug*

[raggedhalo.livejournal.com]

When you (OK, I mean "I", but I think it's generalisable) meet someone who you're interested in, you almost try and improve yourself in the ways that they show you are cool.

Re: Pondering

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes, perhaps, we see the world as changing and evolving in a different way, when we have changed instead? It seems like sometimes we all see the world as an idealised concept... the past through rose tinted spectacles... and when we look back, and find the past is no longer where we thought we left it, we become shocked and surprised.
Sometimes this is for the better, a friend who unbeknownst to us has developed the same interests as us and we can now share that with them, or for the worse, in that we look back and in doing so realise that we strayed from where we wanted to be in our own lives, and looking back to someone else only shows us the distance we have travelled.
Perhaps we all change, all the time, and our task, our challenge, is to come to terms with that change and grow from it? Perhaps when we look back, we need to remember that things are never the way we remember them, be they people, places or memories.
If we see the world as a threat and a cage, thats all it can ever be to us. So looking back to see nothing can only make us realise we are alone. Instead, I think we, each and everyone of us, should look back and be able to contextualise. To be able to say 'People grow, but so have I'. That it's not a bad thing, that it is simply life and time in unison.
Yes, past loves, memories and lives change. Thats times burden on us all.
Same as a memory cannot be revisited, and time cannot be turned back.
To look back and think things will always be the same as we left them is an error on our own behalf I think. We all, to a man and woman, have to be able to look back and realise our past is just that.
The past.
To reopen, retend those wounds, will just hurt too much, or allow us a window to see the truth that we dont want to reveal. That we have changed, and expected everything to be able to keep a tack with us.
And we all know that cannot happen.
So sometimes we need to remember, I think, that everyone has to be allowed to grow, change and adapt in their own way, by their own choice, and that any attempt to tamper with this growth would only hinder or slow it and cause much unwanted troubles.
Perhaps, I wonder, if the past shouldnt be left where it is. Surely the present holds enough for us to contend with?
Just my thoughts beamed across the ocean as zero's and ones.

Star1
29.12.02

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

Are you not thinking of anyone in particular/ Cos 5 minutes ago, after reading an LJ post, I thought EXACTLY that - and I think we had this conversation before...

I think some people define themselves by those they surround themselves with. I wear my neon pink, the hair bits etc wherever I go and whoever I'm with. It's me, and yes my style has changed somewhat, but it has always done that over the years... others must be what they think their partner/ close friends want them to be.